Blogging 101, Video

Rawwwr, Go me!

Hello everyone. I just wanted to say thank you so much for your comments on my last post. Getting deep dark stuff out there is difficult, but sometimes necessary if you want to become stronger and move on. I appreciated all the comments and support, I really did – and it spurred me on to actually do a brief intro video on YouTube (1.41 mins, haha!). I’m really pleased that I did it now, to be honest. Wanna see? So yes….that’s all I have for the moment. I’m painting a picture (watercolour doodle type thing) for my sewing area just now, so I shall show that here once I’m finished. Cheery bye for now!

 

 

 

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writing 101

Storytime: Narcissism

I haven’t seen my mother in almost 30 years. Last time I spoke to her on the phone (Christmas 2016), I told her finally to GFY, because I was tired of her lies, drama, and judgements.

Why am I telling you this?

Because I still can’t make a bloomin’ YouTube video stay online! And now I realise why. I always felt like I wasn’t good enough. Its just me – who am I to tell, to show, to share?

See, growing up with a narcissistic parent is horrific. Everything you do is scrutinised to ensure it reflects admirably on the parent. Woe betide you if you fail in your duty to be an extension of their grandiose vision of themselves. Privacy is not an option, in any capacity. Bedrooms are routinely turned over looking for evidence of wrong doing. Journals are discovered and read out gleefully at the dinner table. Schools are besieged with phonecalls requesting that teachers keep an eye on you. Anyone who knows you are quizzed about things they might have picked up during conversation with you, and any snippets of information are swiftly corrected if it is perceived to be validating you. You learn to be a loner and keep your own counsel.

As a child, there is no sense of identity, value, or self worth. Any sense of pride at accomplishments is beaten out of you. Lectures about being a failure; about being an embarrassment; about the shame you bring to everyone who comes into contact with you, is a daily occurrence and lasts for hours until you fall into a blubbering wreck of gibbering apologetic nonsense. (Bonus points for apologising in advance. Daily.)

It becomes worse when another sibling is involved. Then its contrast and compare, and again you are found wanting. Classic Golden Child and the Scapegoat. The Golden Child becomes the echo of the Narc parent – if only to save themselves. Even if the Golden Child fails too…..its an honourable fail. They are loved.

So! Having thought about my reluctance to share – vs – current social media mania for sharing every nuance of life and subsequent windy aftermath, I finally understood why I was cautious about it.

And so I share my reason. Fearlessly, and without apology. I learned something today, and that is priceless. I still may never make numerous videos, but that’s ok. Its not about that, really. Its about trying, and being proud of trying, and feeling like you did your bit regardless.

 

 

 

Crafts

Oh…..

Well it seems that I have been very remiss in my posting here, despite the fact that I got a new laptop! Lemme explain….

I tried to make a video for YouTube, because I thought that chatting on screen would make me oh-so confident (because really I am incredibly shy and introverted), so I made it, and made a thumbnail like this, which I thought was terribly clever!

YT Thumbnail Papercraft

Then I thought it was really cheesy and horrible and nobody would watch someone playing with scrap paper, and so I deleted it. Even that gleeful look on my face makes me cringe, haha!

So! Having decided that I wasn’t going to be a YouTube star after all, I cleared up all my arty crafty stuff and fixed up my room for making a study of sorts (being a student in August an’ all), then I got all dismayed at not being able to do arty stuff, retrieved all my  materials, and proceeded to organise them into boxes *properly*.

So that’s where I’m at right now. Organising and sorting. I’m thinking I can actually combine the crafting stuff with student life, because I can make stationery, folders, planners, and notebooks! So its a win win all round! Go me and my cheesy grin! 🙂

Photography

Seascape (Rockscape?)

Rocks and seaSo I was looking through some photos and realised that I could now use an online program called Pixlr to have some fun with photography filters. I couldn’t use the website for the longest time because its flash based, and my “Tea” Laptop (I’m referring to the one I drowned as the Tea Laptop, just for future!) did not have flash capabilities at all. So there were many websites I couldn’t access, which was vaguely annoying. I thought I would mess around with this shot I took on the Isle of Bute, in Scotland a few weeks ago to see how it could look with a nice dreamy filter on it.

art

More (Local) Street Art

Hello, hello! Oh its so good to be posting here again 😀 I’m kicking things off with some vibrant street art that has sprung up recently round my town. We (the town, not me personally) are trying to win something called City of Culture 2021. Its a *thing*, y’know, to raise the profile of large towns and cities across the UK. Hull have the honours at the moment for 2017, and we, amongst others are competing for 2021 (its every 4 years if you haven’t worked that out already…..!)

So, amongst other events, plans to brighten up the place are afoot. This includes things like festivals (food and beer, mostly), lights strung up across various dark lanes, flowers all over the place…..and of course, street art. (Lets not mention the council raising business rates for retail places and the amount of empty shops we have….nope)

jimmy hendrix

John Lennon

guitarist

singerguy

Now these were all down the same street, which is a street full of clubs and music venues – hence the common theme. Sadly I don’t know who the street artist is – I have seen him around hanging from various scaffolding (these paintings are HUGE!) so it didn’t seem appropriate to chat to him. If I catch up with him on ground level, I shall certainly credit him.

I do have lots more to show you but I will leave that for during the week. For now I’m trying to get a video set up, about planners and suchlike. 😀

 

 

 

Uncategorized

I’m Baaaaaaaack!!! (Laptop update 3)

Whoot! So I’m sitting here with a laptop. Not my original one, this is a Windows one……which to be honest, I prefer. Everything works on it, and doesn’t need to be constantly updated (at a price) and basically is very straightforward (if a little weird to get used to)

So I’m such a happy bunny that I came straight here to say hi, after only having this for about an hour and two cups of coffee (both were drunk well away from the machine, lemme tell ya!)

And the other one which I covered in tea, has now been consigned to someone’s bin down in England, sadly. It was nice while it lasted…….

Can I just say thank goodness for insurance! I have never been a fan of it, and felt it was just scare mongering, but being the ‘grown up’ I am, paid it dutifully each month, because you never know…….! And the company I’m with were very helpful in guiding me through the process (even though it was me who had to keep phoning for updates, not them phoning me *ahem*) but hey, whatever, I’m here and its all good.

Its lovely to see you. 😀