writing 101

Storytime: Narcissism

I haven’t seen my mother in almost 30 years. Last time I spoke to her on the phone (Christmas 2016), I told her finally to GFY, because I was tired of her lies, drama, and judgements.

Why am I telling you this?

Because I still can’t make a bloomin’ YouTube video stay online! And now I realise why. I always felt like I wasn’t good enough. Its just me – who am I to tell, to show, to share?

See, growing up with a narcissistic parent is horrific. Everything you do is scrutinised to ensure it reflects admirably on the parent. Woe betide you if you fail in your duty to be an extension of their grandiose vision of themselves. Privacy is not an option, in any capacity. Bedrooms are routinely turned over looking for evidence of wrong doing. Journals are discovered and read out gleefully at the dinner table. Schools are besieged with phonecalls requesting that teachers keep an eye on you. Anyone who knows you are quizzed about things they might have picked up during conversation with you, and any snippets of information are swiftly corrected if it is perceived to be validating you. You learn to be a loner and keep your own counsel.

As a child, there is no sense of identity, value, or self worth. Any sense of pride at accomplishments is beaten out of you. Lectures about being a failure; about being an embarrassment; about the shame you bring to everyone who comes into contact with you, is a daily occurrence and lasts for hours until you fall into a blubbering wreck of gibbering apologetic nonsense. (Bonus points for apologising in advance. Daily.)

It becomes worse when another sibling is involved. Then its contrast and compare, and again you are found wanting. Classic Golden Child and the Scapegoat. The Golden Child becomes the echo of the Narc parent – if only to save themselves. Even if the Golden Child fails too…..its an honourable fail. They are loved.

So! Having thought about my reluctance to share – vs – current social media mania for sharing every nuance of life and subsequent windy aftermath, I finally understood why I was cautious about it.

And so I share my reason. Fearlessly, and without apology. I learned something today, and that is priceless. I still may never make numerous videos, but that’s ok. Its not about that, really. Its about trying, and being proud of trying, and feeling like you did your bit regardless.

 

 

 

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12 thoughts on “Storytime: Narcissism”

    1. No need to be honest. I considered going no comment, but didn’t in case anyone wanted to share their experience. Just getting it out here is enough. I appreciate your support though. Thanks 🙂 Feeling just fine, heh!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I was so shocked, I just wanted to give you a hug. We all carry so much through life about which the rest of the world knows little or nothing. It was a brave decision to come out, as it were. I really hope you achieve your goal, but even in not succeeding so far, you are learning so much, I’m sure you’ll get there 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I understand 100% about what it’s like to be the child of a narcissistic parent (minus the whole sibling bit: all of her children were failures in her eyes). My mother was the same way, going as far as to determine when I could date and what my career path was. From one unloved child to another, don’t let her/his/their past actions determine who you are today. You are your own person. Do you own thing. Toxic parents be damned.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hi, and thank you for taking the time to comment. I’m so sorry that you had to go through this too. Even your siblings 😦 I didn’t get the career advice, but she got in touch when she found out I had the kids and said she “was so happy that I had found my niche in life at last” ha! I hope you are stronger and happier in your life now. Big hugs. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Brava! Well, it’s a great tragedy that we spend our lives unravelling the knots our families tie. But there it is. Hopefully it creates good art. You have something to say. And the art is always about finding a new angle to it. To YouTube or not to YouTube…I think it’s different than social media-ing. Social media is more about posturing. A lot of times. YouTubing might be more about honesty…which is a great risk. I think that’s what this piece is exploring…Do you do it and put yourself out there and risk rejection, once again, by your mother? (Vis a vis humanity) Or do you push through the terror and let happen what will happen? A large part of me says the experience will be wonderful because you’ll find that people relate and even need your voice.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you….it needed to be pushed out there for me to climb over it, in a way. I think you are right, it will give a different kind of voice…..I mean, the art is always a good place to be, but people are so much more than one dimension. I think the honesty of emotion is what people connect with, not the *drama*. So yeah, I’ll give it a go and see what happens, heh!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Hurrah! Good. You’ll give me some inspiration. I’m so tied up in Hollywood perfection out here the idea terrifies me. Plus, I haven’t really found my jag. Yours is good, entertaining, bite-sized. And being Scottish is a plus. Americans love a good accent. I’ll share it and you’ll see.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh, my dear Scribbler – I never would have guessed there was all that ghastly shite in your past – well done on sharing it! Better out than in, as they say. Childhood stuff is so ingrained in us; as kids our empty little brains are so eager to absorb stuff – which is why it is so hard to clear it all out and chuck the bad and useless stuff away later on – there are always bits of unpleasantness still stuck there in the dark corners.
    Bearing all that in mind, I think you have come out of it all brilliantly – you are a good egg Scribbler!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww thanks, Dave – yes better out than in……and while I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, I can safely say its probably made me a better person. Purely because I would never want to make anyone feel like that. So, yeah….its all good now! Thank you for commenting, it means a lot. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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